Learning to regulate yourself while raising a little one learning to regulate herself

Feb 15
3 min read

No one talks about the moment you realise your mini isn’t the only one learning how to handle big emotions, you are too. Motherhood isn’t just about teaching them to regulate their feelings, but about confronting your own. The tantrums, the bedtime battles, the anxious mornings aren’t just phases to survive, they're moments that shine a light on where you need to grow. While I've been trying to model the behaviour that I want her to learn, I've realised I'm still learning how to regulate myself too.

Honestly, no one really prepares you for this part of motherhood. I didn’t expect that we’d be learning so much side by side, and I definitely didn’t expect that in order to be proud of what Ruby mirrors, I’d have to work on myself so much first.

When Ruby is overwhelmed, it shows up loudly. Tears, yelling, tantrums and hardest of all, vomiting when she’s really upset. Her little body doesn't know how to process the big feelings, and the truth is, neither does mine sometimes.

Her reactions mirror mine more than I’d like to admit. When I’m rushed, she’s unsettled. When I’m anxious, she’s heightened. When I snap at bedtime, it escalates instead of soothes.

But when I pause, breathe and lower my voice instead of raising it, she calms. Not perfectly, but noticeably. This has been confronting, because the work isn’t just about teaching her to calm down, it’s about learning how to calm myself first (& if you know me, you'll know that's not a simple task).

In a space where I need to be calm, this season doesn't feel it. From the kinder transitions, to toilet training, trying to get her to eat, bedtime routines and the mental load of mornings, the juggle is constant, and my anxiety is at an all-time high. I even experienced my first-ever panic attack (maybe I'll share more about that another day), but it shook me because I realised that my anxiety is only growing.

As the mum, I want to be the calm one, the safe place. I want Ruby to look back at these moments and remember a mum who loved and supported her. I've spent so much time working on not being like my mum, and I hope she grows up and aspires to be like me, not the opposite.

Person in white top working on laptop at a desk with color samples. Grid wall and shelving in minimalist office background.

So with that said, I decided to show up exactly how I wish my mum did, with calm, kindness and love.

I asked myself... what if I stopped fighting bedtime? What if instead of reacting to the chaos, I regulated myself first?

Instead of:

“Hurry up.”
“How many times do I have to tell you?”
“Just go to sleep.”

I've started:

Sitting quietly next to her
Reading another book
Slowing my breathing
Speaking softly

I stopped rushing and started to hold space for what she needed: time and patience — and something shifted. Not instantly, not even every night, but enough for me to see that my emotions and reactions set the tone for our home. If I stay calm, she is more likely to find calm. While it might not be easy, the decision to show up as my best for her is.

I used to think being a good mum meant doing more, but now I’m starting to believe it means modelling more. Modelling how to breathe when you’re overwhelmed. How to apologise when you snap. How to pause before reacting. She doesn’t need a perfect mum, she needs a regulated one or at least one who is trying.

Realising you’re still learning doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means there’s room to grow, and growth is never a bad thing. In the moments that feel heavy or hard, remember: you’re learning to regulate yourself while raising a little one who’s learning to regulate herself. Let that awareness guide how you show up next.

Some gentle reminders: